the mindless thoughts of a single woman

Name:
Location: Mississippi

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

As The World Now Turns

Okay. So it's been a long while since I last posted. I have been extremely busy. Holidays are always busy for me.

Thanksgiving was at my apartment. TL cooked the turkey - and smoked up my kitchen. But the turkey turned out fantastic. He met my friends and family. Things went great. So great I have a huge white stain on my carpet from trying to get red wine out of it.

We've been spending lots of time together. We've even talked about moving in. It's wonderful. We are even using the L word. Things just feel so right with him. It's the strangest feeling. It's not the overwhelming passionate kind of love I always thought this would be.

I feel a calm that I've never felt before.

And it's wonderful. I feel that I can just be me, and he'll love me regardless. And his son, J, loves me to death. And I adore him as well.

I just feel like I fit - like I belong with them.

I don't know what will happen from here. Like I said, we talked about moving in together, but nothing has been decided. It's only been three and a half months. Is that too soon?

Well, I won't do anything for sure until my next semester is over.

TL's a wonderful man, and I'm very much in love with him.

Christmas is going to be hectic. I probably won't see him much this weekend because of family obligations. I've met his, and he's met most of mine, but I just feel that it might be too soon to go to the depths of holiday gatherings. But we'll be together for New Years. I can't wait to start the new year with him.

The joys of doing this at work - the phone is ringing off the freakin' hook.

Friday, November 18, 2005

It's Been A While

So, it's been a while since I last posted. Things are going great with TL. I never thought things could be this good.

Last weekend I met his son. Friday (I took the day off) we went to the park and chased each other with handfuls of leaves. It was fantastic. And apparently, I was a big hit with the son - thank goodness. His son is adorable and is extremely well behaved. I enjoyed being around him.

Saturday night TL took me to the park. It was wonderful. We walked around and looked at the pond and the ducks and the lights through the trees. We made out on a bench overlooking the water. We fed the fish. We talked. It was so romantic. I don't think I've ever had such a romantic date. It was right up my alley. I cannot express just how romantic it was to me.

It was another terrific weekend to add to my list of glorious weekends. We talked a lot - about lots of things. My monthly friend is late which concerns both of us. It's only a week late, but still. It's fairly regular. And I've only been seeing him for 2 months. And I took a test, which came back negative. So things should be fine, right? I hope so. Not that I think it would be devastating or anything. I'm just not quite all that prepared yet.

Anyway, TL, his son (let's call him J), and I had dinner Friday night with TL's mom and stepdad. It was nice. I'm just so quiet around people I don't know. I'm glad he's introducing me to his family, but it takes me a little while to get comfortable. I've already met his dad and stepmom. They cooked dinner for us one night a couple weeks ago. And I'm a huge hit with the both of them. TL's stepmom told him that she really liked me, that I seem to be the kind of DAUGHTER-IN-LAW she could call and hang out with. Hmm....d-in-law scared me a little.

But, all is good here. TL is meeting my family for Thanksgiving. We're having it on Friday and he's doing the turkey, which he volunteered to do. I can't wait to see what they all think of him.

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving.

A quickie: "All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." - Anatole France

Friday, November 04, 2005

Where Does Time Go When It Flies?

So, after my strange realization this morning, I've come to the conclusion that my life is passing me by.

I want to wake up to the sound of my children's laughter, the sound of cartoons, the smell of frying bacon (because, of course, my husband is making breakfast in bed for me), the sound of anything but quiet.

All my friends have children. ALL of them. When I'm around them with their kids, I get this feeling of comfort and contentedness. How must it feel to look at your own child and see a smile in his/her eyes? How must it feel to hear your own child laugh?

I think my biological clock is starting to tick. I mean, there's so much I want in my life. But first and foremost, I want happiness. And I want someone to share that happiness with me.

Life is not all about money. I know this. Of course, money certainly makes it easier. I just want happiness. That's all I want. I want to know the kind of love that parents know. I want to experience the miracle of having a child.

What am I talking about? I'm crazy this morning.

I think my views are changing. I'm not too sure I like this change thing.

I was happier when all I thought I wanted was a decent job that paid good. Now I want so much more: I want a family.

Bedmates

So last night I woke up at 2 a.m. and looked over at the other side of the bed.

And there was no one there. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks: I'm alone.

I know that things are going wonderfully with TL. I adore him, and I'm sure he adores me. But that scared me last night.

I looked over at the other side of the bed, fully expecting him to be there. It broke my heart that he wasn't.

(No, he didn't get up in the middle of the night and leave or anything like that. I wasn't even with him last night. I haven't been with him since Sunday night.)

But I EXPECTED him to be there. In my dream state I guess I.... I don't know anymore.

I expected him to be there. I wished he would have been there. I wanted him to be there.

I miss having someone next to me.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Ahhh....(part two)

Ahhh....

I just had another fantastic weekend with TL. I met the parents, the friends, the brother... and the ex (not by choice). TL's son was with her this weekend and fell off her porch. He had to go to the ER and TL asked me to go with him so that he could make sure his son was okay.

So I did. What can I say? I'm in love with the guy. I'd do anything he asked (at this point). Plus, that was his son. Of course I wanted to be there for him and his son.

Other than his son's injury, the weekend was fantastic. Everyone was incredibly nice and welcoming.

I adore this man. I'm completely head over heels in love with him (and he knows it). And it feels wonderful!!!

Ahhh....

Thursday, October 27, 2005

IT

This is IT. This has to be IT.

It just has to be.

How can this not be IT?

What if IT's not IT?

And don't go telling me that I can live my life saying, "what if" and I'll never get anywhere.

I'm taking a chance with this IT. I don't want to spend the rest of my life without IT.

This is IT. This has to be IT.

A quickie: "It is difficult to know at what moment love begins; it is less difficult to know that it has begun." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

This has to be IT.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Urgh....again

Okay. So I'm supposed to be spending the weekend with TL. I'm looking forward to it more than you can imagine.

So last night, when we were talking, he informs me that he might have his son on Friday night. And I don't say a word.

I don't mind the fact that he has a child; and I want to meet his son. I just didn't know that it was going to be this soon.

I told him that it bothered me just a little bit simply because I don't feel like I'm prepared to meet his son. And he said that it was fine - he would just have his ex pick him up Friday afternoon instead of Saturday.

So now I feel bad. Oh, I also told him that if his son is going to be there, I'm sleeping on the couch. I don't think it's appropriate for me to sleep in his bed with his son there, not at first anyway.

Then I come to work this morning and told one of the ladies I work with about it. And she tells me to grow up - that I'm going to have to meet his son sooner or later. Urgh.

I'm simply not ready to meet his son. I just don't want to make him feel like his having a son bothers me, because it doesn't.

I wondered when he first told me that he had a son how I would take it. It's fine with me. I understand that there will always be someone else who comes first (this is my biggest difficulty). But if his son didn't come first, I would think he was a deadbeat dad. And he's not. I enjoy hearing him play with his son and everything. But I've never been around his son and I couldn't pick him out in a crowd because I've never even seen him - just pictures.

And I do want kids, sooner or later. And let's face it: chances are that I'm not going to meet a man who doesn't already have children. I'm just not the best when it comes to children. I like the 4/5 year olds because I can play with them. TL's son is almost 3.

I guess I do have to grow up, huh? Why can't I just stay young? HUH????? Why?

Monday, October 24, 2005

Urgh....

I had a very boring weekend. TL had his son this weekend, so I didn't get to see him. (I'm not ready to meet his son.) I cleaned all weekend and caught up on some reading.

So today is going pretty good. My only complaint is that TL seems a bit too considerate. I mean, I don't want him to ask me if he can go take a nap! (He's home sick and we've been emailing back and forth.) I want him to TELL me that he's going to take a nap.

It's great that he's considerate and courteous and everything, but there's another thing that bothers me: when we're on the phone, and he gets busy, he asks if he can call me back. I'm not used to this. I'm used to someone just saying that he'll call me back, not asking. This is what he says (9 times out of 10), "Would it be okay if I call you back?"

What if I were to say no? I wonder how he'd react. I wonder if he'd just stay on the phone with me to appease me. I know that's probably what he would have done with his ex. But I'm not her.

Why are you men so freaking complicated?

I love the fact that he's nice. I really do. I love it that he thinks of my feelings too. But I don't want him to start feeling like he's got to account for every single thing he does. I don't want that at all. I want him to stay him, and I want for him to be at least a little independent. I know I plan on staying independent. I'm not going to call him and ask his permission before I go somewhere, and I don't want him to do that for me either.

I want him to be him, but in a relationship with me at the same time. Is that too much to ask?

Today's quickie: "Happiness belongs to the self-sufficient." - Aristotle